I was terribly exhausted, but i thought it was normal — i mean, everyone gets tired right? And then i felt rather sad; for no reason, or perhaps for so many reasons, i couldn’t fathom which one haunts me the most. But every time it came; the darkness, i brushed them off, so it won’t consume me. I controlled my emotions to keep me sane — though it might not work, i tried anyway. Some days, ignorance becomes a bliss. But some days, it comes back and chases me down.
I hated the fact that i’ll always be on my own. It’s too frightening. You know, not sure whom to reach, and afraid that no one would catch me if i ever fall. Would i keep falling then? I don’t want that. I seek people for help, but i know that they are also fighting their own battle. Everyone has their own puzzle to be solved. Some people passed by and pitied me, so they reached out to help. But believing that pity is an insult, i refused the offer. Some walked by and saw me hurting, so they whispered words of comfort. I turned to be okay for a while; my inner self was consoled by the warmth of their supports. But when they leave, part of me shattered back. And i’m lost again.
I didn’t know how badly hurt i was, i didn’t notice at first. I thought it was just a phase, and it will get better soon; like always. Except that it didn’t. It was last Wednesday morning when i went into the shower, and found myself breaking apart. Worse, I didn’t even know whom to find — would there be anyone out there who can afford to understand my grief when i couldn’t even understand it myself? The only option that crossed my mind was Him, the one who controlled hearts. Because if He made me to feel this way, He surely can make this feeling disappear.
So that morning, i took the chance to perform dhuha. I wanted to meet my creator and desperately wanted to talk to Him. Unlike on the normal days where i’d humbly seek Him to ask for success or forgiveness, i reached out to Him that day solely to find peace of heart. I thought i would burst into tears the moment i placed my forehead onto the ground; but i miscalculated. The tears came rolling out just a few seconds after i said Allahuakbar in the first rakaat. Until this day, i still don’t know the reasons behind my miseries. I don’t know what troubled my heart the most at that particular time. But one thing that i’m sure is that for whatever reason it may be, the reason is now gone.
I now understand what prophet Ya’qub a.s. meant when he said, “I only complain of my suffering and grief to Allah, and i know from Allah that which you do not know” (Yusuf; 12:86). True enough, no one in this world could ever understand us, more than He does. Of course, sometimes we told our parents about certain things, sometimes we find our friends to pour what has been bottling up inside us. But have it ever occurred to you that sometimes, we depend too much on people, that we forgot to seek Him. We asked for others’ attention, begging them to hear us out; when He is actually waiting for us, ever-ready to listen to our stories — no matter how nonsense they are! Yes, it is overwhelming to have a listener, but it’s way more profound to have Him as your listener.
I’m not saying this because i’m a saint, i’m saying this because i tend to forget Him too. And on days like this, where He made me feel lost and empty, i became more and more grateful that He steered my heart to go back to Him. He made me to get up, and perform those two rakaats. How beautiful is that?
Featured image was captured by Amar Zarif.