We talk about the grief and anger of being left, all the time. People you love suddenly stopped caring, suddenly they decided to leave, suddenly you’re left out there hanging.
But we don’t talk about the other side of the story enough. They don’t know how hard it is to be the one to fall out of love with someone. To be the one who has to take up the courage and be honest. The one who has to hurt the other person, the person that has loved and cared for them unconditionally. To give up a perfectly genuine human being, just because you have no power to reciprocate the love they had given to you.
And then you’ll punish yourself for it. For not being able to love properly. For giving up all those years of trying. For not doing it sooner, or maybe later, or for even doing it at all. You keep thinking of what had gone wrong with you. Why did you changed. You hated it when people change, so why did you?
Then you invalidate your feelings. You don’t deserve to be sad, you don’t deserve to grief, you don’t deserve to cry, or scream, or be mad about it. Because you’re the one who made the call. It’s only right for you to bear the consequences of it yourself. But you also don’t deserve to be happy, you don’t get to feel relieved. How can you keep on smiling when you’ve caused so much pain to the other person? Take your smile down, it’s not yours anymore.
But in reality, you’re so overwhelmed with different emotions. You’re constantly drowned in your own thoughts. You keep mulling over the decision you made, the memories you dumped, the future that you let go, the person that you hurt. And at the same time, you feel free. No more pretending to be the person you’re not. No more forced affections, or halfhearted conversations. For once, you feel free. Maybe it’s selfish for you to end things. But maybe it’s even more selfish for you to keep it going, knowing that your feelings aren’t sincere anymore.
On top of everything, you’re blamed for it. For being honest with your feelings. For making a decision that’s not preferable to others. For not forcing the relationship a little bit longer. It’s so easy for us to blame others, so easy for us to point fingers, so easy for us to pick sides. But it was never easy to go through the process of it. You made the hard call, but you too, got hurt because of it. To the point that you want to keep punishing yourself for it. To physically hurt yourself. To despise yourself every morning, and to cry yourself to bed every night because of it.
I don’t regret my call, nor do I feel proud about it. But please know that it was not easy for me too. It was never easy for me to let you go.
(20/12/2022)
When people start rumours or negative comments on something or worse, someone, it kinds of sort of gets into everyone’s head at some point.
Wildflower 